


Catch it if you Can

by _Melodic_ (Sae)



Series: Hate Sex on the Line [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Crack Relationships, Dirty Talk, Gingerpilot, Humor, Humorous Ending, Hux Has No Chill, Love/Hate, M/M, Masturbation, Movie: Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Mutual Masturbation, POV Hux, Phone Calls & Telephones, Phone Sex, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Prank Wars, Sexual Humor, Smut, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-17 06:53:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13071468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sae/pseuds/_Melodic_
Summary: Poe's weekly prank call to one General Hux quickly and unexpectedly turns into something else.





	Catch it if you Can

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CalicoJinx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CalicoJinx/gifts).



> Dedicated to my dear friend kellyxmarie for encouraging me to write this crack. Somehow it got a tad smutty along the way. What can I say? That opening scene gave me some gingerpilot feels.
> 
> This series now has a a mood-board. Find it [HERE](https://mugglelissa.tumblr.com/post/169979823221) ;]

Hux is pouring over plans at his desk when the call comes through. He stares at the flashing light suspiciously before answering. The voice that greets him is vaguely familiar. 

“Hello. I’d like to speak with General Hux.”

“Speaking,” Hux replies.

“Can you get him on the line?” the man asks. 

Hux sighs, frustration seeping into his voice. “This is him.”

“Yes, I’d like to speak with General Hux.”

“Can’t you hear me?” Hux hisses. His temples begin to throb with the start of a headache. “This _is_ General Hux. You’re speaking with him right now.”

Hux hears what he believes is a stifled laugh. His jaw tightens further. “Great! Well, I have a question regarding his macrolyzer.”

“My macrolyzer?” Hux’s brow furrows in confusion. “Why do you need information about it?”

“Just a simple question,” the man insists.

Hux wonders how this imbecile acquired the code to his personal line. Someone is certain to lose their job over this. He sighs heavily and relents. “What’s your question?”

“Is your macrolyzer running?”

“What?” Hux barks, inscenced. “How dare you doubt the efficiency of my macrolyzer. Of course it is!”

Hux again hears what sounds like a suppressed laugh. “So, your macrolyzer is running?”

“Do you not hear the words coming out of my mouth?” Hux’s hands curl into angry fists. “There is no issue with my macrolyzer.”

“I’m sorry,” the man apologizes, not sounding the least bit remorseful. “Can you clarify: your macrolyzer _is_ running?

Hux’s rage boils over, his voice shaking as he replies, “YES! My macrolyzer is running!!”

“Well, then you better go catch it!”

The man erupts into laughter on the other line. All too clearly Hux recalls how he knows this voice. “You,” he hisses bitterly. “I should have known!”

“Come on now, General,” Poe says between chuckles, “even you have to admit that was a little funny.”

“I will admit no such thing,” Hux exclaims fiercely. “Your attempts at comedy are repulsive.”

“You wound me, General.” Poe is brimming with playful sarcasm. Hux is in no mood to play. “I refuse to believe your pasty, pallid face didn’t smile just a bit.”

Hux’s pulse quickens with offense. “I’ll have you know many admire my pale, creamy complexion.” 

“Sure, Red,” Poe teases. Hux’s hands unconsciously go to his hair, patting the ginger locks as if they would be offended on his behalf. “I bet they fawn all over you.”

Hux grits his teeth. “I don’t need to defend myself to rebel scum like you.”

“Oh, I love it when you talk dirty to me, General,” Poe responds, his voice full of laughter.

“Hah!” Hux squares his shoulders. “You couldn’t handle my dirty talk.” Hux’s face burns as he hears the words come out of his mouth. Where did that come from and why in the stars did he say it?

“Really?” Poe replies, a hint of interest coloring his voice. “And what sort of things would you say to me?”

“I won’t waste my precious words on you,” Hux retorts. He feels his cock stir and hates himself for it.

“I bet you’re just full of cliches anyway,” Poe taunts. “Stupid lines like: _what are you wearing?_ and whispering things like: _imagine my soft lips caressing your neck_.”

Hux’s cock continues to stiffen despite Poe’s absurd accusations. Before he can stop himself he rises to the bait. “There’s nothing soft about me!” His face burns hotter when his own words echo back to his ears.

“Is that so?” Poe asks. 

Hux can hear Poe’s breath stutter and become heavy over the line. He feels himself grow emboldened. “Yes. And for the record I wouldn’t be gentle with you. I’d tear your dirty clothes off, strip you bare and toss you around like my plaything. I’d bend you over the nearest surface and spread your legs open. I wouldn’t waste time fingering you and getting you ready. I’d shove my way inside, listen to you pant and whine at the harsh burn of my cock ripping you apart.”

“Who says I wouldn’t like that?” Poe’s voice sounds strained, ready to snap with arousal. “Maybe I’d spread my legs further and press back against you, swallowing your cock with my tight hole. You could pull on my hair, expose my neck, sink your teeth into my skin.” His tone drops, sounding ridiculously sexy. Hux hates himself further. “Maybe,” Poe continues, “I’d beg for more.”

Hux’s cock is fully hard now, tenting against his pants. He glances at the durasteel door of his office, eyeing the lock and ensuring it’s secure. His hand slips inside the dark material. He groans gratefully at the feel of his cool fingers on his hot erection. “You _would_ cry for more,” Hux says silkily. “Your cock dripping and begging for attention. You’d long for nothing more than my _pasty_ fingers wrapped around you.”

“Yes,” Poe pants eagerly. Hux can vaguely hear the tell-tale sound of slapping flesh over the line. “You’d try to tease me, to punish me, but soon you’d give in. Your stomach would clench with pleasure, your face flushed and body trembling as your release drew near. You wouldn’t be able to resist touching me.”

Poe’s talk of Hux’s hypothetical oncoming orgasm hits him like a hammer, striking him to his core. His hand quickens and he feels his body tense. “Your pitiful pleading might wear me down after some time.” Hux tries to sound disdainful but his breath is choppy and voice shaky as a result. He’s too close. “I’d reach around and tug your cock, make you spill yourself all over my moving fingers.” 

Poe’s answering groan and the faint sound of spattering across the line pushes Hux over the edge. With a desperate gasp he comes. His body shivers as he continues to pump his cock past the point of over-stimulation. 

The resulting quiet is stark after their exchange of words. Hux would have assumed Poe disconnected the call if it weren’t for the remote sound of heavy breathing as he recovers.

Poe breaks the silence after a minute, sounding nearly like his normal sly self. He’s only betrayed by the slightest tremble in his voice. “Well, General. I stand corrected. You’re not half-bad at dirty talk.” Hux sputters and desperately thinks of something clever and biting to reply with. His post-orgasm brain is in a haze, however, and he comes up blank. Poe chuckles, as if he can sense Hux’s frustration. “Until next time then. I look forward to our next chat.”

The call disconnects. Hux stares at the light as it goes out, in utter shock marred with remnants of arousal.

“Fucking Poe Dameron, that rebel scum,” he mutters under his breath. His hands are sticky with his cooling seed but he can’t seem to muster the energy to stand and clean himself off. Hux reflects on their conversation and, despite himself, a wry smile crosses his face. The memory of Poe’s voice echoes in his head: _Well, then you better go catch it!_

Hux can’t help the snort that follows. He hates to admit it but, honestly, it _was_ a bit funny.

**Author's Note:**

> There is now a sequel to this. Read it here: [Better Than Good](http://archiveofourown.org/works/13101849)
> 
> Thanks for reading!  
> Kudos/Comments = <3
> 
> Find me on tumblr: [@mugglelissa](https://mugglelissa.tumblr.com/)


End file.
